I myself have never gone through depression or feelings of wanting to die or kill myself, so I don't understand what you're going through. But may I suggest seeking someone to talk through these feelings with or getting professional help?

I swear to GOD if you keep talking bad about yourself I WILL ON MY NONEXISTENT SOUL track you down and give you the biggest homemade cookie… So that means never, EVER. Under any circumstance. Blame yourself for something you can’t control as for I was in the same place as you once. Love yourself. Because someone has to. ❤️